Saturday, July 14, 2007

The wonders of marriage.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, carees her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

Arrive naked ... with beer.
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Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?

Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
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My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
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A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
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Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
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A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
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It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
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Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
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A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
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The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
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At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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What does a man consider a seven course meal?

A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
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Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?

They won't stop to ask directions.
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Mother to daughter advice:

Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day.

But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.
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If a man is alone in the forest, and he says something, and there's no woman there to disagree with him.

Is he still wrong?
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How many men does it take to make pop popcorn? or flavored popcorn

Three. One to hold the pan and two others to act macho and shake the stove.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Road Rage

I can now almost understand the phenomena known as road rage. I almost caught it today. I was driving to work minding my own business and singing along with the radio when from a side street a guy in a Caddy blows through the stop sign (he didn't even slow down) and cuts me off. I have to slam on my brakes to keep from rear-ending him. I'm thinking to myself "this guy must be really late for an appointment or something" but I was wrong. As soon as he gets in front of me, he slows down to about 15 mph. I am a patient person but this was as much as I could stand but I figure what the heck, life goes on. So, I am following him at 15mph (the speed limit was 35) for a few miles until he decides to finally speed up.I start thinking "this is better" when all of a sudden he clamps on his breaks and starts to turn onto a side street. I hit the breaks to keep from smacking into him and just as he finishes making the turn, he signals. I guess it didn't occur to him that it is probably better to signal your intention to turn before you actually turn. But at least he was finally out of my way. I'm about a mile from work by this time , when it happens again! A guy takes a free right at the stoplight with me entering the intersection. At this point I wanted to force him off the road, jerk him out of his car, and explain politely that you should take a free right turn when there is NO traffic coming. But I didn't . I just got to work and yelled at the walls for a minute or two. It's no wonder that there is so much tension in the workplace today.